2:01 am, Intimate insufficient record of time with mother

We sat on the couch and drank deep glasses of red wine – she cried, out of laughter, at Notting Hill.
And, I’m sure she cried for the same reason I did. Her soft freckled arm over my shoulders, knees all mingled together, my head resting on her chest in a spot that could only have been fashioned for me – it’s always been there. Her worn hands are beautiful. As we lay in bed, our bodies stretched out next to one another - mine longer than hers, which feels both awkward and right – there are more tears spilling out into the creases next to her eyes, little flute lullabies next to those clear green eyes…
Her hair is as short and sticking out as ever. She looks fabulous.
Her skin is so familiar … I am her.
She’s laying on the bed and I’m sitting at the end watching her laugh and smile and expect me to join as she tells about her trials at the airport, (which are given a rosy and slightly exaggerated hue by the alcohol and love and weariness running through her veins). And I feel myself in her more than I do in me – God, look at her. I don’t know whose eyes I’m seeing myself through, but there I am. Me, on the bed. Stranger looking on.
She goes to sleep, and she is a baby, dark head turned away and yellow blankets rising and falling.
Vulnerable, weak, momma. One who let the velvet part of her heart show tonight, as did I. The scary part that loves and holds so tight pain doesn’t matter. That presses hand close against my cheek so I can’t hear the movie at all and I don’t move one inch.

God! I haven’t… oh god, to feel her arms around me… to know there were no ulterior motives, to play with her hair with my fingers and kiss her worn face, oh god, and to hear her laugh all sharp and loud in my ear, and her whole body shakes and feet are suddenly off the floor and on my lap – so much! There is more than enough inside her to throw her body around when she lets it out through a laugh… God, I love her.

There she is next to me, bones and heart and flesh, and so much more than I can see. Tonight I was nothing but me so I could see her and not be distracted by my concrete wall self – I am nothing, and she birthed me, and she is nothing, and I love her.

There must be some punishment for feeling this much joy. It can’t be possible.

2:08 am a very fundamental, immature, overdue, honest realization being made for the millionth time.

thank god a part of us stays 'immature' on the inside our whole lives. how boring would it be if we moved past jealousy, insecurity, self-pity, neediness, refusal to understand, making fun of each other, bad jokes, and making the same mistakes over and over and over and over...

Fulfillment…
Me doing what I want to do.
Going to a tai chi class today, because I wanted to. Not because I should or because a friend was going or because it’s cool or expected or even encouraged, or because I was bored or lonely. Me allowing the universe to take my life in a different direction, because I want to.
Emptiness…
Me doing what I think I want to do…
Emptiness…
Me doing what others say is supposed to be what I get my fulfillment from
Emptiness…
Having to hide myself behind an ‘I don’t need you but I’m having a blast’ role in order to feel (not be, but feel) a part of the group. The group being me and two other people.
No, I don’t need them, but god, I’d like them to be a part of my life… I’d like to share a few moments of honesty with you. I’d like to be able to have a conversation without you switching into that (hilarious, yes) accent you put on to make us laugh. What if I don’t want to laugh at what you want to laugh at? I don’t laugh. You think I don’t know how to have a good time. You start leaving me out of the group because you don’t understand me. I feel this. I start to feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me. You spiral up in your self-deception about how much fun you’re having, I spiral down in my self-deception about my worth and what I’m ‘supposed’ to feel.
Or I spiral up too but away from you, in self-deception about how I just function on a deeper level than you, which is why we can’t relate.

This is why, at this point in our lives, I choose to not hang out with you. I’ll respect you as a person, but we want far different things from life – from merely hanging out – so that even when I’m next to you we’re not together. So what’s the point? I still love you. Always will.
I’m going to go this way now, because I want to and I can. You go whichever way you choose. I hope we meet up again someday.

I chose to post this strikingly jr. high-ish post because I am amazed at how much we let fear control our lives. If I was truly honest with myself, I would not fear. If I was honest about my worth and the worth of others, about what I want out of life, about what I have to offer others and how much they are willing to receive and vice versa, etc. etc… I wouldn’t be spending as much time with many of my friends as I do right now. All I get and give is emptiness, because we don’t want to receive what the other has to offer. A few weeks, years of loneliness is not a bad thing. Lonely is a state of being, not a hole to be filled. Everyone is lonely.
Which doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
But to be lonely and pursue the things I want to pursue, to be a truth-seeker and discover more of myself and the world… sounds like something I’d prefer over having a thousand (or even three) friends who don’t really know who I am simply because I don’t have a clue who I am…

As I have grown I’ve found friends through the years, (a very few but whose presences were overwhelmingly felt and life-changing) who were willing to embrace me at the point I was at, and loved me enough to challenge me right there. Viva la conflict!! So I have no doubt that even as I maintain such relationships over the phone and will never forget or fully understand one of them, yet another will come at a time when… well, at some time.

5:44 pm a discovery today

I am sleepy.
What does that mean?
I means I am sleepy.
Nothing has to be attached to that. There doesn't need to be any "therefore I should take a nap," or "therefore I will respond this way to people."
I have trained myself to think that if I feel something that I classify as 'tired' (which is really inadequate because there are so many different types of tired) that it should either be ignored or remedied, specifically by sleeping.
But my body doesn't call out "sleep!" nor does it call out "ignore this feeling!"
It simply says, I feel 'tired' right now.
This frees me to realize that I don't need to do anything about this tiredness; there is no action my body is crying out for - which means it doesn't need to be ignored. I can be busy as a bee and feel tired and not feel the need to push it away or deny it (thereby teaching my brain that my body is 'wrong,' which conditions me to never want to listen to what my body is telling me, which is usually healthier than the habits and control (or rebellion) that we impose on our bodies), and i can choose to not deny it because it doesn't mean that I need to stop what I'm doing to fix a problem that was never a problem, it was only ever a state of being.
And if I don't want to be in that state of being for whatever reason, I can still choose to take a nap, do yoga, drink coffee.

of course this applies to ... everything?
I feel affection, attraction, a deep connection to 'him'.that doesn't mean I 'need' to do anything. spend time with him. marry him. sleep with him. These are all actions I can choose to take, but they should happen out of choice, not because I feel I need to as a 'natural' next step (or even as an indistinguishable part of) certain feelings.

just because we feel something doesn't mean we need to do anything, which knowledge frees us to feel what we feel honestly and make decisions based in reality instead of fear...

1:46 am. after too much food and self-discovery

Exhausted, but I really gotta write….
So many discoveries we can make daily if we just ask why? Why did I laugh at that joke? Why do I want to be around him? Because I feel loved around him. Why do I want to feel loved by him? Because I don’t love myself. Lol etc. sounds melodramatic in type. But oh so truthful…
God, what an ass I have been.
My god, I have been deceiving myself in order to be happy so much that I can’t even write honestly.
I give up because I’m tired.
This is a landmark for me. Look Elizabeth. You’ve wound your way so deeply into not thinking in only a little over a week.
Be careful, girl. Before you know it, you could lose all recollection of what it feels like to know what you want and who you can be, and therefore some greater idea of what the world can be – if you stop expecting more of yourself (knowing it’s there) you’ll stop entirely expecting anything out of the world. That’s why you couldn’t get out of bed this morning. if what I’ve been living for the past few days is all there is to live for, if this is my purpose, there is no reason to ever get out of bed. It’s much simpler, much nicer there anyway.
MORE!!! Take more from life, it holds endless resources.

Once you find yourself IN YOURSELF, not in others or in approval or systems, then as you grow it won’t matter where you are, you can live, you can’t really live until you learn what it is to live for yourself, to love yourself – living life for others is a life wasted. They’re already living their lives. How can you add anything to the world, change anyone’s perspective or learn anything if you only live to support them, in other words to affirm their way of life? And how is it loving someone to agree with everything they say and think only of pleasing them? You know you need more than someone who only wants to please you, why play that role for anyone else?
What a far more colorful world it would be if we could each dig deep, deep inside ourselves and pull out our own colors from day to day to add to the grand, wet, ever-changing palate, instead of trying to blend in with those around us?

12:59 am. really, meaningless drivel.

I had fun today just being where I was and enjoying the people around me. I sacrificed all focus on intuition and introspectiveness, but it was fun. and exhausting. I certainly can't live like that my whole life... i think we can't live any one way our whole lives or we get utterly exhausted trying to keep up that prescribed way of life... of course, each of us does get exhausted trying to keep up the way of life we've chosen and/or have in front of us, i just don't think we think about it as much as we could. how cool would it be if we could live by what we really need? I know stability is important to our nature, but what if we could go on a three week (or three hour) vacation if we needed it, or if we were allowed to throw fits every once in a while, or just sleep when our body needs it, or spend five hours painting by the beach in the middle of a "work week" and then walked back into our work far healthier and were embraced by society as human with instinct and spirit as well as order in our bodies and not as mechanical beings...
ah, the ideal world. it will always be in the back of some collective one's head... and i guess without it - well, without it the world would not be what it is, it's as complex and simple as that.

12:33 the day katelyn left otterbein for good

Love. I have to write this while I’m thinking about it. Love is taking someone in where they are in the moment, and knowing that every moment is as much them as any other – not just when you feel ‘good’ or when you’re happy – love can be as complex as the humans that harbor it… we can love one another for being ignorant, for being tired, sad, for not knowing what to do – and i don't mean love them by thinking 'gosh, she's really all worked up about being late for work. that's adorable. i love that.' the love that I want is a love that says ‘I see that you are here now – you feel this and you admit this and you look this… and this I am here, and I embrace what you are right now and please embrace what I am right now. We don’t have to be in agreement all the time. That’s not human – that’s fabricated. you are upset about work, here's how i feel about that. (a real relationship between dynamic beings, not just strategies to 'get closer') We will change, and the changing together is what keeps us together.’ One of my favorite quotes is “Love is not two people looking at each other. It’s two people looking in the same direction.”
If you’re not willing to work, even a few moments’ worth, to find out where I am today, in the moment, and if I’m not willing to do that, whether it's ‘pleasant’ or incredibly uncomfortable, we are not loving each other. We are loving the idea of each other, which only serves ourselves and fills our warm-fuzzy-feeling hole, while our honesty and relationship fulfillment holes lay gaping and empty… There is a time and place for everything, I believe. There is a time and a place for saying “I can’t think right now, I can’t focus on you or myself right now, I’m lost…” and hopefully, in those times and places, someone who loves us will be able to stand beside us and say “I see that. I’m here.”
And hopefully we -I - can do the same.
Humans are ugly. We hold stuff the world calls shit in us – jealousy, pettiness, grudges, stupidity, etc. ALL of us. If we're honest with ourselves (which is the best place to start if we want to be honest with others.) And I have come to realize that what I desperately want (and am desperately afraid of, and have with at least one person) is a relationship in which we can admit all those things about ourselves and each other, and continue hand in hand on the road to self-discovery and world enlightenment, however that may play out…

12:31 post-counselor visit, sinking into cushions almost asleep

Ok. After seeing the psychiatrist.
This is for me.
Existential crisis I’m going through: There is no meaning except the meaning that comes from me. It has to come from me. Scary; I can choose to place my meaning in other things; friends, etc., but I will never be fulfilled through that – unless I find meaning in every moment for myself.
Katelyn’s defense mechanism to the stark reality that we are essentially all alone in the world: going full force into feeling things. People aren’t comfortable with that. Thank god she was here to teach me how to look deeper into myself in many ways. Nobody is the bad guy here. Not Luke. He is only trying to survive in the world the way he understands it, which is not wrong. It’s his perception. Not Katelyn. She is putting herself out there – she is giving what she can to the world around her – what she believes is the truth of herself for the good of the world. And not me. I needed (and still need) this time to look deeper into myself and to look at people not from a solely accepting “I love you” point of view, because there’s more to life! Of course that throws them off, they’re not used to that from me – or most people, especially in theatre… I haven’t been pushing them away, I’ve been wanting connection more than ever, on my terms, which has given me connections with some and not with others. I just have to learn to decide when it’s important that my terms be met and when I can compromise and meet them on their level. I still think that right now in my life there needs to be a balance tipped a bit more to my terms, because I’m an expert on their terms, and I still need to discover what my terms are!
How will I cope with the fact that life has no meaning outside what I attach to it?
You wanna know the truth? I have felt more fulfilled and like I was actually living in these past few weeks than ever before, because my meaning was held in the moment and what was right then, and not in what others wanted from me, especially not in what I had to do next. In that way, I think yoga is good for me because it brings your mind to the moment. Part of being in the moment is being aware – even if that’s just being aware that you need to watch a movie right now. Not sacrificing yourself for the sake of routine or habit, that’s what I want to learn on a regular basis.
Living to live.
The meaning is in living every moment.
Even if there is a God, what other meaning could there be? Why would he give us every moment if only a select few really mattered? What all the other shit for?

To know my body will be exciting, because that will help me be aware of what I want now, not what I think I should want. And remember what Melinda said about the nerve endings coming from the brain to every part of your skin and body – “the brain is the body,” there’s not really a separation.

I want to know that I am not willing to go back to my old patterns of relationship with certain people. I don’t think that’s entirely true – I would go back some, but not all the way – but still, the point is for me to fucking grow – that is what I want ultimately, more and more, as a person and actress, or else what point is there to living? To seek happiness in comfort and familiarity and rotting in happiness? Maybe for some people, not for me. Not. For. Me.

I’ve also been exploring petty emotions that are there in me – jealousy, jealousy, anger, hurt, things we’re not supposed to feel on a regular basis or express with any regularity, they’re “bad.” But I can’t tell myself they’re not bad to make them go away – that’s ridiculous. I choose to say, ok, it’s there – the only way to let it happen is to let it be there, I think, to say, ok, I know I feel stupid right now and I know you know I feel stupid right now – then I can experience it – yes, fucking experience it, which sometimes feels like poop - and let it pass, because that’s living too, as much as laughter.

Ok, so. How alone do I feel? The psychiatrist asked. Well,
At times… I know that no one can ever be fully understood by another human being. Ever. I should not expect that or think that anyone has me pegged – then I’ll let them define me, and it will always be a smaller definition than what I truly am or can be.
In that sense we are all UTTERLY ALONE…
But in that sense we are all utterly alone together. If we can understand that about each other, what freedom that gives us to give as much as we possibly can (as we choose to) to other human beings, knowing we don’t define them and can’t ever understand them; if we have something, some attribute/talent/trait/love/characteristic to give to others that will send the world a little further in the direction you want it to take, how much more free can we be with those gifts and sharings knowing that they do not bind us irreversibly to anyone we share them with – we are moving forward together, we are all in this together, for better or worse what we offer the world from the loneliness of the cell thatis our bodies contributes to the greater world around us, affecting us and other souls in the most shared sense possible. We share this place, this humanity – we could even go so far as to say this being – the trees, the beasts, and yes. We do affect the world around us, and we do choose how we do that, to a certain extent. And we can choose to ignore or deny that in our minds (and still continue to affect the world, of course) or to be aware of it and look more and more for what we decide we want more of in the world, and give what we can when we can.
Alone together.

And we will have feelings of jealousy and hate and searing pain – if we pretend they’re not there they’ll kill us. What if we could be more open and less afraid about saying “I love you” “I hate that you just said that” “I feel so small right now, and I don’t know how to handle your anger…” god, how much more of a true relationship would we have with each other? And how much more human would we be able to see ourselves as, and others as well? Human.

I am always, have been “programmed,” taught to be seeking ‘goodness’ and perfection. I am working it into my life against a community of opposition that there is no goodness, but there is cause and effect and what we call ‘pain’ and ‘pleasure’ and how we’ve boxed those into good or bad and seek one over the other and how there’s choice…

I feel a contradiction.
I want there to be far less ‘good’ and ‘bad’ labels on emotions and on activities and choices – things are what they are, we don’t have to judge them every time. But there is a sort of ‘goodness’ that I want to work toward in the world… and I think to clear up the contradiction I will use the word truth instead of goodness. And what is truth? That’s a whole other kettle of fishes, but I know seeking and not settling is something I want to promote in the world – especially though, being true to yourself, even if that means settling. I want to call that ‘good’. Ed my acting professor says everyone has their own personal goodness (yes, even those who ascribe to a goodness “outside of themselves”, such as the Holy Scriptures – they have made those laws a part of their personal goodness, and of course it’s always more complex than “I just want to obey these laws” – so we all have our personal goodness we’re trying to achieve, no matter what one believes). So if someone’s personal goodness is to settle, for where they are instead of finding out what more life has to offer (in the moment or on a ‘grander’ scale), I won’t agree because it’s not my personal goodness, but I will do what I can to help them achieve it for their good. Or maybe I won’t… maybe I’ll try to convince them that I’m right about how they need to live. And what if someone’s personal goodness is to murder and rape as many people as possible? Well, I could say maybe achieving personal goodness ends when you begin hindering others from achieving theirs (by killing them or whatever…). But I don’t know that murder could be a true personal goodness, because we are all connected and murder somehow denies that connection, and maybe personal goodness isn’t so much about personal goodness for me as I want it to be about world goodness – which brings us back to the question that has been peeking around the corner this whole time of what good is.
Of course I don’t know, of course I’m confused, of course none of this is written in stone in my mind, and I’ll get even more confused – I’m only exploring. Thank GOD! How will we get anywhere else if we don’t try to go somewhere we’ve never been, disorienting as it may be?

hmmm

what an interesting night...
I spent the night at Katelyn's house.
All stressed, she calls. "where's my key?"
I have a key to her house. We're lovers :)
I smile. "yes, I'm coming. you locked yourself out."
"yeah..."
she's covered in questions, in a state of I-don't-know and this is all too much on my head and in my body...
I dash to her, sweating in my pants and pajamas. Laying on the brick, she's laughing the releasing laugh of nowhere else to go but laughter, on the phone with a friend. We get in. We clean. I clean. She showers. I am angry.
At her for expecting so much of me. At me for not being able to be what she wants of me and what everyone else wants of me, which are very different things... what I want alienates her as I try to Just Be Real...
They don't like it either. It's not as much fun as deception.

But she still loves having me there - no, she loves me. no, she knows I'm there because I need to be. But I don't know this until tomorrow morning.
"Let me sleep for ten minutes," her voice is musical but oh so firm.
"yes."
"promise you'll wake me up. no matter what."
"ok."

I walk downstairs. Here, this is where I want to... I crawl down to the rough carpet, lay out on my back so I can feel my heart open to the air, I don't want to hide it (even though I don't really want to face it)

I wake to the sound of her alarm. I go up, frazzled, "nooo..." she pushes the air in front of her away with her hands, God, I have to let her sleep. She mumbles, she wakes again ten minutes later. I had stood in the room silent and weak, wondering how to be - to be forceful like she wanted or let her sleep like I wanted, like her breathing wants...
"please... I can't do this. I would go insane, Thank you" she keeps saying. "I'm gonna sleep. is that ok?" she asks. of course it's ok.
"Please climb in. you said you wanted to do this with me, and this what I'm doing so..."

I want to. I fold myself just under her chin, next to her tummy, she says "can I have your hand?" I take her hand. I hold it, awkward at different angles, my long white fingers over her Cuban...
sleep.

full sleep. The alarm goes off at 8:30 am. I look into her hard, dark, warm, eyes - "thank you. you know if you hadn't been here, I wouldn't have been able to... you know?"
"yeah."
"I mean, I would have gone crazy. You know that, right?"
"yes." small smile on me.
she would have. she takes everything like it's death inside her, she experiences everything, and this stress has weighed down on her like ten tons of concrete - she would have flipped out. I realize that. She knows, and she closes her eyes self-consciously.

I look at her.
I can look at her face and send my eyes, my heart, my stomach, my hands, my pelvis, my muscles... all of them to love her smally and simply, with her eyes closed. I can love her, even though she hurt me. Even though I constantly hurt her through my lack of understanding.
I can. I've never been able to love -
and then she opens her eyes.

there I am. loving her with all of me, and I don't stop cause she can see it - I let it be there. She doesn't get how monumental it is for me. so I let it wash over her. no expectations.

of course we move on and misunderstand one another. these are all moments in life, no one greater than the other. but making mile-markers out of moments helps me remember that every day is not a circle - we discover more of ourselves when we allow ourselves to. life is terrible and beautiful.

12:10 am. Oversized pajamas and soft hair

Tonight I feel like a lost little girl. I want a hug. I want someone to accept me and not expect anything of me.
I don’t feel like thinking; just floating. I’m only typing because I’m lonely - and out of vanity. Ah ha, she says, maybe if I turn this sad, pathetic experience into something productive and learn from it, I will be above these juvenile feelings even as I experience them.
But the truth is, I… truth has nothing to do with it. I just feel very sad and small. This is good. There’s no right way to be, as artists we have to experience just about everything
And there, you see, she’s made it once again into an experience, something to be learned from or at least given silver lining. I need to let this be. Let it be. No more typing, no more attempting. No more trying.

note to self

Ok, so to clarify:
What I want to take for good from my relationship with Katelyn is the idea of looking deeper into what’s going on in my life and others’ lives – analyzing, not settling for clichés and snap judgements or decisions, being honest with my self no matter how painful it is cause it will only hurt worse in the long run if I’m not; what so I really want – digging deeper – and working harder on what I love, being fully, crazily committed to my work. But on my own time, so that when I do go into social situations I can actually have a good time, stop analyzing in the moment and experience it and affect people instead of constantly trying to understand how I’m affected and what they “really need.”


oh more: why is it that I can go through the same feelings about my career - doubt, deep passion, love, doubt, frustration, dedication, need, independence, doubt - that I do about my relationships - and yet I think I'll die when I feel something for somebody and even in my most hopeless times feeling something about my career, I know I'll continue and it will be ok? Why can I let my career thoughts and emotional episodes pass through with no change in direction and the other I allow to occasionally consume me and greatly affect my actions?
And I have the same amount of control over both - in both situations, I can only put myself out there, give it my all and hoping for the best.
*I think I've discovered in myself an overemphasis of the importance of romantic relationships. surprise, surprise, right? but the longest road you'll ever take is to yourself, so I feel no shame in obvious discoveries.

11:13 am striped pajamas on Sunday morning, writing letters to friends

my little friend stops everything to munch on his yogurt chip. His heart has been beating frantically and his body has not stopped for an instant; scuttle, scurry, dash, burrow - until he smells his heart's (or his tummy's) desire. His whole body stills, standing alert on two back feet, whiskers in the air. He is as still as I have ever seen him, but the blood is pumping faster than before and his little nose is working like a jackhammer against the air. He finds the source of his craving and pulls the treat from my fingers. Without a single thought he shoots back down into a hunched position and is still - he doesn't adjust to feel comfortable or multitask while he eats; his Whole Being is centered on the enjoyment before him.
God, that's how I want to take advantage of moments or days I have with people I love. Not to mention my meals.

1:23 , after a long walk in the park and a small piece of chocolate

It is unfathomable the warmth we can get from the presence of another living creature... hence the large grey rat scuttling across my lap, my sleeves, my shoulders, sending thrills throughmy legs with his scuffley whiskers and warm paws, pulling on my hair, being generally frantic - how does he have that much energy?
God I love it. I love the simplicity, just this connection of breath and blood between the two of us, and the understanding that we get something from each other - a life force.
we need each other, us living creatures.
He smells kinda... earthy. and he's peed on me before. His claws leave marks on my chest when he slides from my shoulders to my lap. And sometimes he tickles so bad I have to mercilessly snatch him up and drop him on the chair beside me.
But he's warm, and he's there, and my soul needs life more than the five senses need comfort. (who decided on five? I know there are more, and I'm just a 20 yr old girl in Ohio. Come on america, lets get past this whole 'the metaphysical/spiritual/'feminine'/intuitive side of things is scary' idea - it doesn't need to be a way of life; it needs to be a fucking part of life, an option... not gonna go there right now) god I'm exhausted.
You know what I've been doing?
I've been exploring feeling. SO much goes on every day, we can't allow ourselves to constantly be aware of what our bodies are feeling and what others around us are feeling (or more often what they're not allowing themselves to feel). But I've been living in a world where what my body tells me is law, and shame on me if I do something because I should and not because I want to... I came to the realization that I had lived for trying to please others so I sought to please myself. I tried to experience every moment as fully emotionally as possible and never deny anything that came up, not place "good" and "bad" on any experience (which is impossible, but I think a very worthy attempt), etc. and in so doing I have not been focusing on what was in front of me but on what was behind and underneath and around what was in front of me. I have become unrelatable to all people except one, who had 'tutored' me in this lonely way of life that expects others to experience things deeply, to never deny anything or put on a 'game' face or do anything unless they want to, and most of all to experience things with me - example: had a freak out session the other night and I wanted desperately for the friend I went to to feel with me, to experience it with me, because that's what my one friend, my 'tutor,' has done for me, and i've done for her. instead he was calm, and supportive, and let me go through what i needed to go through, and was there when I was done. I thought this was disgusting that he wouldn't let himself feel what I was feeling - not getting at all that he was doing the unselfish thing by not screaming and crying with me - because then it would have been about him experiencing pain - instead he let it be about me.
I have been looking deeper, observing people's insecurities (as well as my own) and refusing to communicate with anyone unless it was on the level of consciousness and emotional awareness that i was on, thinking I was doing the world good by refusing to budge from wha I thought was the right way to be.
But there is no right way to be. Period.
And the truth is, whether I like it or not, i live in this world, and the connections I make will each be different - I can't try to force everyone to be where I want them to be. That's not a relationship - that's just disgusting. Connections, on whatever level, are more important than holding on to myself and what I'm going through. What's the point of being so aware of my intuition and body if I can't affect anyone because they aren't thinking that way? I've put up a big fat wall between me and everyone in my life, refusing to accept them for who and where they are at the moment - except for this one friend. I have viewed this relationship as 'the way we should all be in an ideal world."
God, this is like a confessional.
so... what is the point of life? maybe tomorrow I'll know :)

today though, I learned once again how LITTLE I know.

I am alone. because I have chosen to live alone, wanting to live in a world that doesn't exist. I want to start reconnecting, reshaping all the relationships that have been disconnected and contorted out of judgement on my part and lack of understanding on theirs... this world is the one I live in. I might as well start learning how to live in it. and I realize that hurt is an unescapable part of life, but nevertheless I am so sorry if my attempt to find myself has alienated or hurt or profoundly and unnecessarily confused you.

4:07 a.m. if you think they're just words you don't have to think, you lose connections

I want to cover my face, cover it COVER it, cover it up, with... foundation, i smear it everywhere so my skin, my me is gone, hidden. And mascara. Black. and Red grease on my lips - and my hair, up! away - not me, not natural, not down, up! ! pasty white I look sick I look like a a ghost but my eyes are darkness-in dark. darkness in. I sway back and forth, my body is plastic, it is obectified, that's where I feel comfortable, that's what I need right now that's all I want surface, surface or all this shiiiiiiiiiit comes up out of me, all the dirt in my body starts to collect on my back as I kneel - it's safer down here, and rock and rock, to get the energy out, to keep it flowing so I don't explode, and I walk outside in HOT air and don't go out there! to my friends house my body is zapping and twirking, I'm fucking shaking. I can't stop. Stop. Won't get out. I'm touched. My fear is now out of my mouth in sounds that shake, that pierce, that aren't really there - breathe, he tells me, just breathe. i do, and another scream erupts - get out! get out! if I stop this thing it will stay glowing in me and cause damn physical pain as days go by, so let it out - but not all, i can't, there is no one here to recieve it, no one to be there in more than body and grasping and clutching and holding, no one who will sit and breathe in my everything with their soul where is your soul? Mine is out screaming why are you looking at me with one-inch deep eyes? You've cut yourself off - I've cut you off. but i cant stop - this spirit revulsion flying out of me is binding me to your body forever, even when you cut off your heart and I crumple mine into a wad of paper we'll be bound by this unlikable, unavoidable what that is steel between us.
But I am still me. and i choose. I make choices. You do not define me. I know this now. I know.

breathe.
choose.

now.



now, she is sleeping -
there's my roommate, sprawled out on her lush deep fluff under fresh white sheets - she farts. She's still beautiful, indescribably, long, dark, full beautiful. Red bandanna covers her forehead, limp hand on bare thigh, big lavendar t-shirt making her a child again, lips out. Feet like precious fruits, like round plums and soon to be walked on and made wood, but just breathing now and plump under smooth skin and rest.
That's now. Right now, I choose now. Now.