1:46 am. after too much food and self-discovery

Exhausted, but I really gotta write….
So many discoveries we can make daily if we just ask why? Why did I laugh at that joke? Why do I want to be around him? Because I feel loved around him. Why do I want to feel loved by him? Because I don’t love myself. Lol etc. sounds melodramatic in type. But oh so truthful…
God, what an ass I have been.
My god, I have been deceiving myself in order to be happy so much that I can’t even write honestly.
I give up because I’m tired.
This is a landmark for me. Look Elizabeth. You’ve wound your way so deeply into not thinking in only a little over a week.
Be careful, girl. Before you know it, you could lose all recollection of what it feels like to know what you want and who you can be, and therefore some greater idea of what the world can be – if you stop expecting more of yourself (knowing it’s there) you’ll stop entirely expecting anything out of the world. That’s why you couldn’t get out of bed this morning. if what I’ve been living for the past few days is all there is to live for, if this is my purpose, there is no reason to ever get out of bed. It’s much simpler, much nicer there anyway.
MORE!!! Take more from life, it holds endless resources.

Once you find yourself IN YOURSELF, not in others or in approval or systems, then as you grow it won’t matter where you are, you can live, you can’t really live until you learn what it is to live for yourself, to love yourself – living life for others is a life wasted. They’re already living their lives. How can you add anything to the world, change anyone’s perspective or learn anything if you only live to support them, in other words to affirm their way of life? And how is it loving someone to agree with everything they say and think only of pleasing them? You know you need more than someone who only wants to please you, why play that role for anyone else?
What a far more colorful world it would be if we could each dig deep, deep inside ourselves and pull out our own colors from day to day to add to the grand, wet, ever-changing palate, instead of trying to blend in with those around us?