"- don't be so quick to knock it. People don't usually part with the weird shit they personally know because they know how easy it will be to punch holes in. Now I'm tellin you somethin. It's for you to poke through the soup and find the meat." John Patrick Shanley's 'the dreamer examines his pillow'

Saturday, June 03, 2006

1:23 , after a long walk in the park and a small piece of chocolate

It is unfathomable the warmth we can get from the presence of another living creature... hence the large grey rat scuttling across my lap, my sleeves, my shoulders, sending thrills throughmy legs with his scuffley whiskers and warm paws, pulling on my hair, being generally frantic - how does he have that much energy?
God I love it. I love the simplicity, just this connection of breath and blood between the two of us, and the understanding that we get something from each other - a life force.
we need each other, us living creatures.
He smells kinda... earthy. and he's peed on me before. His claws leave marks on my chest when he slides from my shoulders to my lap. And sometimes he tickles so bad I have to mercilessly snatch him up and drop him on the chair beside me.
But he's warm, and he's there, and my soul needs life more than the five senses need comfort. (who decided on five? I know there are more, and I'm just a 20 yr old girl in Ohio. Come on america, lets get past this whole 'the metaphysical/spiritual/'feminine'/intuitive side of things is scary' idea - it doesn't need to be a way of life; it needs to be a fucking part of life, an option... not gonna go there right now) god I'm exhausted.
You know what I've been doing?
I've been exploring feeling. SO much goes on every day, we can't allow ourselves to constantly be aware of what our bodies are feeling and what others around us are feeling (or more often what they're not allowing themselves to feel). But I've been living in a world where what my body tells me is law, and shame on me if I do something because I should and not because I want to... I came to the realization that I had lived for trying to please others so I sought to please myself. I tried to experience every moment as fully emotionally as possible and never deny anything that came up, not place "good" and "bad" on any experience (which is impossible, but I think a very worthy attempt), etc. and in so doing I have not been focusing on what was in front of me but on what was behind and underneath and around what was in front of me. I have become unrelatable to all people except one, who had 'tutored' me in this lonely way of life that expects others to experience things deeply, to never deny anything or put on a 'game' face or do anything unless they want to, and most of all to experience things with me - example: had a freak out session the other night and I wanted desperately for the friend I went to to feel with me, to experience it with me, because that's what my one friend, my 'tutor,' has done for me, and i've done for her. instead he was calm, and supportive, and let me go through what i needed to go through, and was there when I was done. I thought this was disgusting that he wouldn't let himself feel what I was feeling - not getting at all that he was doing the unselfish thing by not screaming and crying with me - because then it would have been about him experiencing pain - instead he let it be about me.
I have been looking deeper, observing people's insecurities (as well as my own) and refusing to communicate with anyone unless it was on the level of consciousness and emotional awareness that i was on, thinking I was doing the world good by refusing to budge from wha I thought was the right way to be.
But there is no right way to be. Period.
And the truth is, whether I like it or not, i live in this world, and the connections I make will each be different - I can't try to force everyone to be where I want them to be. That's not a relationship - that's just disgusting. Connections, on whatever level, are more important than holding on to myself and what I'm going through. What's the point of being so aware of my intuition and body if I can't affect anyone because they aren't thinking that way? I've put up a big fat wall between me and everyone in my life, refusing to accept them for who and where they are at the moment - except for this one friend. I have viewed this relationship as 'the way we should all be in an ideal world."
God, this is like a confessional.
so... what is the point of life? maybe tomorrow I'll know :)

today though, I learned once again how LITTLE I know.

I am alone. because I have chosen to live alone, wanting to live in a world that doesn't exist. I want to start reconnecting, reshaping all the relationships that have been disconnected and contorted out of judgement on my part and lack of understanding on theirs... this world is the one I live in. I might as well start learning how to live in it. and I realize that hurt is an unescapable part of life, but nevertheless I am so sorry if my attempt to find myself has alienated or hurt or profoundly and unnecessarily confused you.


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