"- don't be so quick to knock it. People don't usually part with the weird shit they personally know because they know how easy it will be to punch holes in. Now I'm tellin you somethin. It's for you to poke through the soup and find the meat." John Patrick Shanley's 'the dreamer examines his pillow'

Monday, June 05, 2006

note to self

Ok, so to clarify:
What I want to take for good from my relationship with Katelyn is the idea of looking deeper into what’s going on in my life and others’ lives – analyzing, not settling for clichés and snap judgements or decisions, being honest with my self no matter how painful it is cause it will only hurt worse in the long run if I’m not; what so I really want – digging deeper – and working harder on what I love, being fully, crazily committed to my work. But on my own time, so that when I do go into social situations I can actually have a good time, stop analyzing in the moment and experience it and affect people instead of constantly trying to understand how I’m affected and what they “really need.”

oh more: why is it that I can go through the same feelings about my career - doubt, deep passion, love, doubt, frustration, dedication, need, independence, doubt - that I do about my relationships - and yet I think I'll die when I feel something for somebody and even in my most hopeless times feeling something about my career, I know I'll continue and it will be ok? Why can I let my career thoughts and emotional episodes pass through with no change in direction and the other I allow to occasionally consume me and greatly affect my actions?
And I have the same amount of control over both - in both situations, I can only put myself out there, give it my all and hoping for the best.
*I think I've discovered in myself an overemphasis of the importance of romantic relationships. surprise, surprise, right? but the longest road you'll ever take is to yourself, so I feel no shame in obvious discoveries.


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