"- don't be so quick to knock it. People don't usually part with the weird shit they personally know because they know how easy it will be to punch holes in. Now I'm tellin you somethin. It's for you to poke through the soup and find the meat." John Patrick Shanley's 'the dreamer examines his pillow'

Wednesday, August 17, 2005


whenever i look up at the night sky, i want to reach my hands up and devour it all. i want it all in me - i need something from it. usually. but tonight i am going to learn to recieve rather than take. i am standing on the black pavement in front of my house and i am breathing it in, my arms limp beside me, and letting the moon stand up there and be what it will be. i don't need anything from it, but i will accept its dull glow on my face just the way it is. i'll peacefully take it in, whatever it has to offer in that moment, and then i'll leave having desired and lost nothing, but having been given more than i could have asked for. it's not mine; but i am honored to share in it.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Out of Ohio with time to type

I am a hypocrite.
Hello! That's me :) The sad thing is, I've kind of been in denial... or oblivion... about it for quite a long time. Let's say... my whole life? Oblivion about everything (except being incredibly, often uncomfortably, sensitive to other people's vibes) is something I'm very good at.
OK, forget about the oblivion and the hypocrisy for a second. Bringing up the vibes makes me want to tell you a story. I've been struggling with eating problems for a while. No detail (unless you want to call if you're struggling too and you want to talk. please note that I didn't think I had a problem until I talked to one trustworthy person, so feel free to talk to me about any little thing if you find me even close to trustworthy), but anyway I saw a psychologist and it's better now. However, it's a huge part of my life, one that I don't understand and therefore don't share with many people.
Just to straighten things out, part of the purpose of this blog is to share important parts my life with others, right? Cause that's kind of all I feel like doing today.
So blah blah blah, and I'm learning to "overcome" all the crap in my head that's caused me to do a little damage to my body, but I've always wondered why, when I scoffed at the idea of anorexia, sneered at the thought of bulimia, considered the "ideal body" image we're fed each day an empty, foolish tragedy, why did this... i don't know, is it a disease? infect me of all people?
I have a family who's never cared about body image, as long as everyone's healthy. I dated a guy who took me to a spa and got me all dolled up, just for fun, and afterwards told me that I looked like I could walk down a runway, but the person he was attracted to was the girl lounging on the sofa after a long day. So what's wrong with me?

I shared my bad habits with the beautiful and talented Molly alone. She's the one who sent me to the counselor. She's been through this too, but worse.
So now that you've got the backstory, I can share what I've wanted to share this whole time.
Molly is reading this book called Eating in the Light of the Moon, and she told me I should read it. In her car last week I noticed it on the seat next to me and picked it up. The first few pages were about the type of women who have eating disorders. I was immediately intrigued, because I didn't think there was any valid reason I should have had that problem. The author started off by saying the women who come to her with these problems come from all walks of life. Some are rich, poor, have a great family life, have an abusive husband, are lonely, have many friends etc. etc. No patterns seemed to have emerged. But then she went on to say that there is, far more often then not, a specific type of woman who deals with eating disorders. She is a woman (or girl) who has always been overly sensitive. Not just crying-at-the-drop-of-a-hat sensitive, but sensitive to others and what they're feeling. She often takes things personally. If someone she is having a conversation with is having a bad day, she immediately thinks their mood is her fault, and wants to change it. As a child, she was very perceptive to relationships and others' feelings. When she spoke her perceptions aloud, she was not "supposed" to be able to notice these things – it made adults uncomfortable, and so made her feel that something was wrong with her. So she tries to stuff down her emotions with food, essentially. Which makes her feel more imperfect and out of control, and she feels that if she can’t control her own stupid sensitivity (her “weirdness”) and emotions, the one thing she can control is her own body. So she does, often with horrible results to her psyche and/or physical self.
So that’s what’s wrong with me.
I just handle not fitting in, in a way some people don’t understand. I don’t think any of us feel like we really belong in the world. And it’s a good thing, because God created conflict with ourselves and the world so we’d need Him, then let us choose to accept that so that He could show us His huge love and we could actually love Him in return, no matter how messed up we get. That’s what’s great about the emptiness of all the world has to offer (and it is empty to me, even if it’s a blast or meaningful for a few moments) – it pushes me closer to God. Makes me realize the very things that were once empty can become expressions of His love, and all that. Wow I’m rambling.
ANYWAY, if you’re thinking about this body thing in any way shape or form, come talk to me!!! I’m in Oregon (finally!!!!!!!!) until August 3, and I’m open to any topics of conversation, but this one is very important to me. Please come discuss! Or you can just call to hang out, take a trip to the beach, go out for sushi, whatev. Cell phone: 971-235-0849
It is glorious to be home.
Oh, that whole thing about being a hypocrite? We’re all hypocrites in some way, right? So I was just thinking about that… Above all, I suppose, I’ve just realized that you need to figure out how you want to live your life, and try living it that way. You can always change, and that’s a sure-fire way to stay away from hypocrisy and meaninglessness. What’s to lose? Dissatisfaction?