"- don't be so quick to knock it. People don't usually part with the weird shit they personally know because they know how easy it will be to punch holes in. Now I'm tellin you somethin. It's for you to poke through the soup and find the meat." John Patrick Shanley's 'the dreamer examines his pillow'

Thursday, July 20, 2006

back in Hillsboro

If I really put down what was going through my head, I don't think people would respect me much... but I'm reading this book called Anyway, the Paradoxical Commandments, Finding Personal Meaning in a Crazy World, (wow, 20 years old and already a self-help case,) and one of the 'commandments' is "Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway."
so here goes.
Period of lackluster in my life. That doesn't mean it's boring - quite the opposite. There's so much to think about I can't sleep, hence the 4 am scribbling on my blog...
I think I mean lack of faith rather than lackluster? Seems to be an affliction of my generation. Lack of faith in the world, that is. Stemming, for me, from maybe a hint of genetic depression (oohh, the big D word); a natural tendency (at least lately) towards pessimism; disillusionment, having grown up in a more or less golden home; and decisions...
I am being drained at Otterbein - CC, I don't think you'll feel the same. You'll have your own journey and I have every confidence in you and in what the school has to offer. and especially in you, darling girl.
but for some reason in my position there I get drained and hopeless feeling and certainly very unhealthy - mentally, emotionally, physically.
So why don't I leave?
2 things, which will probably be the greatest factors in our lives: Love and Fear.
I'm afraid I won't do any better anywhere else. There's that big X factor, the unknown - what if it's just me right now and changing positions will only make it harder, or god forbid everything will stay the same? ... Fear.
Love; I'm in love. Shit. I'll stay there because I don't want to lose our relationship. Because it's good.

so I stay.
Meanwhile, I am battling tooth and nail with this new self-awareness of who I am - there's some major lack of self-love going on in here. I need help. I know I'm mentally ill, at least more so than I want to be. I know we all are a bit, but I don't want to live like this. Please don't leave me messages telling me I'll get through it or what a wonderful person I am. Thank you for your love but I'm not in a position to receive it in that form right now. I want to get through this complication to some simplicity and some fucking happiness - I just want to quit thinking. Shut down that part of me and enjoy the poeple and times around me, and actually look forward to the future instead of dreading it.
And I need god in my life. In some form, I need something greater than myself, because myself is not cutting it. I don't, however, in any way shape or form, want religion. so how do I find this god?
there's a question for the ages. So we're supposed to find purpose in our own lives, right? The perfectly logical existential theory. Well, no one has to respect me for it, but I don't feel that I have the strength to do that on my own. I need help. Other people at times, but no one will be there for you 24-7. And people get tired of others complaining anyway. It's not fair to burden anyone's ear over and over with the same shit they've either got figured out or decided not to think about. So is that where god comes in? no way man. even if there is a god, I know we were made to have the capacity to figure things out enough to just live - I don't just need a sounding board - I think I need a good dose of hope.
Or maybe a good talking to. Or a kick in the teeth. Wish I knew.

Anyway, all of that bullshit aside...
mmm... and then I think, you know, why would anyone want to be around someone who thinks that way? Because Spencer has chosen to spend a month with me in Europe, and I hope I don't make it hell for you my friend... I'll do my best.
So I've got to change, right? This is pathetic. I'm not sure how, though. Fairy Godmother?