"- don't be so quick to knock it. People don't usually part with the weird shit they personally know because they know how easy it will be to punch holes in. Now I'm tellin you somethin. It's for you to poke through the soup and find the meat." John Patrick Shanley's 'the dreamer examines his pillow'

Monday, February 28, 2005

a place to rest my head

For a quick laugh, please review the following:

Elizabeth Daniels (picture her) was invited to live next year with three other girls in a party house called the Crazy Pussy (picture that).
"hello, I'm Elizabeth, and welcome to the Crazy Pussy! Now the Scrabble is in the corner over there, and I've whipped a batch of hot chocolate for everyone. Let's get this party started! No screwing in my room please."
College is a trip.
Anyway, I politely declined. I love those girls, but I couldn't handle people puking in my living room every weekend. So I decided to live in the White House (Puke factor maybe... once a month. Bonus!) And it's full of amazing actors/actresses - there's four others. It was a much coveted room, even though it's the size of a closet. The White House is like The Theater house, where people go. You know, whenever. It was my dream to live there my Senior year, if I was lucky. So I'm really excited!!
The thing I honestly don't understand, though (please don't respond to this particular part of the post, I'm not fishing for reassurance!) is why these people like me. I honestly don't get it. Seriously. I know I'm not exactly stand-offish, but I'm awkward, unsure, boring at times... I suppose nobody's perfect, but there were so many other people who are freaking awesome who they could've asked to live there, people who are fun and have huge personalities, I just don't get why they singled me out. Same with the girls at the Crazy Pussy. Honestly, it scares the poop out of me. What if they get to know me better and their impression of me is shot to pieces? I really don't know what their impression of me is - hey! what am I saying, darn it? you know what? SCREW IT. screw it screw it screw it. Who gives if anyone decides I'm not good enough? I am going to have a BLAST next year, and I don't have to live in a freaking dorm anymore. EVER. Once you have a room in a house, no one can kick you out - I'm set for the next three years if I want, at only $200 a month if I stay in the little room. Luke calls it the Vomit Closet, because the other Luke lived in that room this year and he, well, yes, he vomited in there one night and didn't clean it up for a week. But that's ok. Because I smell really good, so no one will even notice. And it's gone now anyway...

Tomorrow I find out if I got that role... Holy Crap, I'm excited

I find that I only want to write events and safe topics on here lately. Everyday life is so exploding with intensity, I'm tired of it by the time I sit in front of the computer. My apologies if you get bored with all this, but know that behind all this is a thousand moments of doubt, a thousand wells of beauty, three reality checks, and a million hits of pure eye-contact, for whatever it's worth.

Nobody is not human..

Friday, February 18, 2005

Anything for you, Lenny

I'm conflicted. Overwraught? Whelmed? Well, I just plum can't figure out what to write, because there are a million things I could say, or imply, or explain... God help me :)
First things first.
I am being EATEN by the Drama Beast. It consumes my life. I don't know if it's good for me, but I am loving it. Auditions tomorrow. I had four last Saturday. I GOT INTO THE CHORUS FOR JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR!!! Hallelujah bare feet and Hey-zanna Hosanna!! I can't wait. AND I'm going to New York and Connecticut over Spring Break, just to kick around, get a feel for where I'm supposed to go after college. Crazy, huh? And I'm freaking going to see Jenn in New York!!!!!!!! I'm bursting at the seams.
Also, I'm working my butt off. Acting is hard. But enough about that, I could go on forever.

You know, I'm really OK. College is really... ok. I mean it's FANASTIC, but there's always been an undercurrent of "yes but I'd rather be back at a real home with old friends" but second-quarter hits, and everything's really ok. It really is. I don't want to be anywhere other than here, doing what I am with those around me. I LOVE IT!! I am so excited to hear about the seniors from this year heading off to college. It makes you feel smaller than you've ever felt before. In a good way.

I've had a lot of... deep... thoughts lately, but frankly, I'm emotionally stripped, and I know I'd break down if I started writing it all out, and I have to look my best for tomorrow. I want this part more than anything. I've already soggily sobbed for a full hour today, five hours ago, and my eyes still look like I was stung by a bee, if I was allergic to bees. Best analogy ever. HAHAHA. It's funny if you think about it. It's like I'm an old lady. Because they... cry, a lot.
If you get a chance, send up a prayer for me? I've got a feels-like-my-head-is-in-a-mild-thunderstorm sickness. It's gross. yecgh.
Here's to two things I miss dearly: safe conversations and emotional static. And to every one of you, whom I miss even more.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Standing under the black drapery of the night sky, I face my dorm hall, light peeking out through plastic blinds and laughter floating out windows. But out in the cold dark under silent tree branches it is much more alive. I tilt my face up, daring myself to open my eyelids wide to take in the starless heavens. The old building is out of my sight, and so are thoughts of entering it. The cold stings my eyes. I stand beneath an onslaught of snowflakes drifting down. I'm the center of the universe and it's falling on me. I can't move. I stand in wonder as... it doesn't stop, it comes, and it comes, and...
Maybe life is not a journey. Maybe we're standing perfectly still, and it falls on us, bit by bit, and we're changed. Bit by bit.