"- don't be so quick to knock it. People don't usually part with the weird shit they personally know because they know how easy it will be to punch holes in. Now I'm tellin you somethin. It's for you to poke through the soup and find the meat." John Patrick Shanley's 'the dreamer examines his pillow'

Monday, January 31, 2005

why life is worth living

Reason #1

I'm sitting with this guy downstairs in a silent room at 12:30 at night, waiting for the costumes from a show to finish drying. It's my duty as a freshman. All topics of conversation have been exhausted or set aside for another night, and we don't mind. We're just sitting there. I'm writing, he's polishing shoes for the actors. And he does this little thing; it's so laughable - but very human, and just about adorable - he whistles. Just one short, breathy note every now and then. No tune ever really comes out, just that one note. It's as if he wants to get a tune out, but the second he hears that small sound, he gets scared or something and the impulse is gone. Picture that. One very small effort after another. How wonderful is that?

Reason #2

When someone tells me, "OK, this is a funny story, you're gonna laugh..." Do I need to be warned? Do they say that because it's not really funny - but they hope I'll laugh just because they told me to? I delight in the uselessness of it!

On a separate note...
I had my first performance for our play today!!! For all the Theatre faculty and students. oh my. We get feedback tomorrow.
It is amazing what insecurity we nurture every once in a while. During the show, I was feeling great, I was as big as the campus and excited to be there, on top of it. Until about halfway through, when I listened to my Critic.
"wow. they're eating her up. they love her. man. you will never have that kind of response. it's nice for her, though. too bad they all hate you. too bad they're all secretly thinking 'what is she doing on stage??'"
And then I sunk into my mudhole of unhappiness. I climbed back out just as I stepped on stage again... but afterwards, I had the residue of that unfortunate place all over me. There's really no reason for it. Why can't I accept where I am as a stepping stone and strive for better things? What a concept! Let me tell you, this whole... theater... place... thing is seething with insecurities, and we all simply MUST express them, because we depend on one another (however foolish that may be) to understand our emotions and support us. This place is a black hole of loneliness if we don't confide in one another, let our feelings out. And being constantly evaluated, judged, observed, competed against... it takes its toll. Some hold up better than others. Many of us turn to gossip to soothe the burning of our own "inadequacies" that smolders in our stomachs. Some of us hold it inside until someone gives us a compliment. Then we lash out with our own cynical views in response. Once in a blue moon, you get a genuine "thank you" for a compliment; a thank you that you know is not tossed out there to get you out of the speaker's face.
Anyway, I want to say, to anyone who has ever given me a compliment in the past, especially about acting:
Thank you. I know you didn't have to say that, and that you weren't lying to me.
And I remember just about every one... Thank you.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

From my world to yours

are not enough to carry you. They make life interesting. They place you in the moment. But there is a deeper, far more meaningful truth to life.
Truth is hard to find. Each of us, without thinking about it, sees every second through a hopelessly biased lense, full of our past, our scars, our parents, our spirituality, the words that came out of our friends' mouths two minutes ago, it's our own perspective. Whether it was earned or thrust upon us bears no consequence, it defines us and the world each of us observes. Who is to say that one person's truth sounds the same as someone else's, but looks completely different through their eyes? We all have ideas that we stand by with all our strength that are entirely wrong - even ludicrous.
I believe, however, that there is a Truth in the simplest relationships. When two biased beings come together and for a moment - or several hours - are connecting, sharing something, there is a truth in that - like a gem between them, untouchable by anybody else but there without a doubt. And not only in developed relationships, but when two casual friends walk past each other and wave, perhaps exchange a "hey, how are you?"... On some level they've come down from their own worlds and, however briefly, placed a foot on the others' world. There's a truth in that exchange, because it was real in that moment in both worlds, however their memories may contort it in the future. That second contained Truth.
My relationship with the Lord is what keeps me grounded. When we connect, no matter how little I know and how biased I am, there is truth and beauty in a simple word to Him, even if it's a word of anger or through tears.
I think it's those interactions each day that keep us from flying off into the realm of our imaginations... Thank God.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Oh my, I love you Friends.
And more and more, I'm growing to love the people here, too.
I just wrote about this to Neil - sorry for the repetition, dude.
We've been together for four months, night and day, but I was so wrapped up in one person that I unwttingly missed out on the WONDERFUL, beautiful people right in front of me. One of them has grown closer to me over the past month, and I want to share him with you. Hopefully I'll get to share more theater freaks with you as the time goes on. This one makes me laugh.

Hello, I'm Jared Rigsby. (actually it's me, but shh.. I'm a really good actress, so nobody will be able to tell.)
Jared's kind of a skinny guy. OK, really skinny, but tall without looking tall and skinny. Just being Jared. He's got groovy dark hair that he never brushes, it just falls into place all wavy. It's like a mullet. Only better. He wear girls' jeans, cause he feels stupid and dumpy in baggy pants. However, he still wears them half-way down his butt. Naturally. Because he's still a guy.
Jared digs music like nobody's business. Good music. Ever heard of the Aussie singer Anthony Warlow? Him and Brad Pitt are the only two guys he would go gay for. Brad looks cool no matter what he does. That guy could be eating his own feces and still look cool. (direct quote from Jared - one of those moments when he forgot he was talking to a girl - or just didn't care) He never says 'excuse me' when he burps, cause he think it's stupid to apologize for something so natural. Social conventions - what? Mr. Rigsby has no time for such brainless sot. But he's truly a caring person. It just comes out different than most people. It's in the actions, like offering me a blanket and ice cream when we were all watching a movie at his house. (ice cream. Now there's the way to my heart. That's actually probably why he's my friend... mmm, ice cream.... )
He has a very deep voice, and he's got this electric energy going on inside pretty much all the time, but when it comes to decisions and life in general, he's like "eh, it's cool. whatever."
The Amazing Jared decided on a whim last year to try out for his school's production of Les Miserables (hallelujah! another Les Mis fan!! One night we spent four hours listening to and watching versions of Les Mis. Man, we are dorks.) And he got the friggin lead role. Out of nowhere. He had never acted before. It just "wasn't his thing." And he thought, hey, I fit here, I think I'll do this for the friggin rest of my life. What the heck. So he did two summer community theater shows (One of them was West Side Story - in which he got the friggin lead again) and then made it into Otterbein College. That's it. Just "I think I'll do theater now." And the world said, "OK."

So that's a snapshot of My Friend Jared. I hope you enjoyed him.
I'm auditioning today for a summer play (yeah, I'd have to fly back, but I'd get paid!!). I'm pretty positive I won't get the role, but I'm going to walk in there screaming "THIS ROLE IS PERFECT FOR ME!!" in my head, like they tell us to. Maybe it'll work...

Thursday, January 27, 2005

My apologies

I'm sorry about the inconvenience. I mistakenly told someone about my first blog that I don't particularly want to read my thoughts anymore :) Thank goodness fixing mistakes online is so much easier than fixing them in life!
If you don't mind, could you kind of sign in with your name in a comment, so I know who's on board with the new blog? Thanks!