why life is worth living

Reason #1

I'm sitting with this guy downstairs in a silent room at 12:30 at night, waiting for the costumes from a show to finish drying. It's my duty as a freshman. All topics of conversation have been exhausted or set aside for another night, and we don't mind. We're just sitting there. I'm writing, he's polishing shoes for the actors. And he does this little thing; it's so laughable - but very human, and just about adorable - he whistles. Just one short, breathy note every now and then. No tune ever really comes out, just that one note. It's as if he wants to get a tune out, but the second he hears that small sound, he gets scared or something and the impulse is gone. Picture that. One very small effort after another. How wonderful is that?

Reason #2

When someone tells me, "OK, this is a funny story, you're gonna laugh..." Do I need to be warned? Do they say that because it's not really funny - but they hope I'll laugh just because they told me to? I delight in the uselessness of it!

On a separate note...
I had my first performance for our play today!!! For all the Theatre faculty and students. oh my. We get feedback tomorrow.
It is amazing what insecurity we nurture every once in a while. During the show, I was feeling great, I was as big as the campus and excited to be there, on top of it. Until about halfway through, when I listened to my Critic.
"wow. they're eating her up. they love her. man. you will never have that kind of response. it's nice for her, though. too bad they all hate you. too bad they're all secretly thinking 'what is she doing on stage??'"
And then I sunk into my mudhole of unhappiness. I climbed back out just as I stepped on stage again... but afterwards, I had the residue of that unfortunate place all over me. There's really no reason for it. Why can't I accept where I am as a stepping stone and strive for better things? What a concept! Let me tell you, this whole... theater... place... thing is seething with insecurities, and we all simply MUST express them, because we depend on one another (however foolish that may be) to understand our emotions and support us. This place is a black hole of loneliness if we don't confide in one another, let our feelings out. And being constantly evaluated, judged, observed, competed against... it takes its toll. Some hold up better than others. Many of us turn to gossip to soothe the burning of our own "inadequacies" that smolders in our stomachs. Some of us hold it inside until someone gives us a compliment. Then we lash out with our own cynical views in response. Once in a blue moon, you get a genuine "thank you" for a compliment; a thank you that you know is not tossed out there to get you out of the speaker's face.
Anyway, I want to say, to anyone who has ever given me a compliment in the past, especially about acting:
Thank you. I know you didn't have to say that, and that you weren't lying to me.
And I remember just about every one... Thank you.