Figured out my problem (well, one of them) – I don’t know what I want. What I want right now is to be consistently near a place of peace and chaos – the world we were born into. I want to be surrounded or close to a beach, or a large lake – I HATE this closed in world of houses and television and people going about their business without a thought for others or what they truly want. If we go after what would be best for our own souls it gives others permission to do the same. I just don’t know how the fuck to get there, cause I don’t know where I’m going. I am unwilling to compromise. But compromise what? So everything feels like not quite the right decision – everything leaves something greatly to be desired. When will I settle down in my pursuit of fulfillment and affecting the world around me? And will I be satisfied even then? Am I doomed to be forever unsatisfied, to always feel like a portion of a person, blocked by walls I set up for my own survival?

Right now the thing that seems closest to my desires is going to Africa to work against AIDS and health issues, etc. But I can’t live over there. Well, I could… I’d have to try it out first, see if that’s what I really want. If it is, if I could find a community over there, I wonder if I could give up seeing my family and dear dear friends. I wonder if I could find anything like that here. I suppose when it comes down to it, whatever happens when I get back, I’ve got to go. I’ve got to know if this desire to be effective over there is just a fantasy bubble that’ll be popped, or really what I believe it could be. I am afraid of both answers. Both of them leave me with great sacrifices to make. Nevertheless, I will be forever crippled in my eyes if I allow that fear to stop me from trying, so I’ll work towards that. Money. I’ll earn it in the meantime with that horribly frightening goal in mind. Will I ever be soaking up life the way I want to? No one may ever be truly happy, but some people seem to appreciate life the way I want to – I’ve gotta find it.

December 25, 2006

Here I am, 5 days to being 21. I’ve spent many nights like this in the past few months – sitting awake, smoking cigarettes, writing, trying to read, usually Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, now just fluff stuff – trying to distract myself from the dissatisfaction I have to face when the room goes dark and the body lays still. I’m quitting smoking on January 14. For now I’m livin it up with the cigarettes. It’s wreaking havoc on my voice. I might move in with Ryan Pederson in the next few months. I’m nervous – about, well, everything - I don't expect this next move to be 'eveyrthing' in and of itself - to make me satisfied with life, etc - I know you’ve gotta find yourself within yourself and the world around you wherever you are, in the spiritual or other realm, (cause god knows this world of entertainment and ambition doesn’t do wonders for the deeper parts of the soul) but we can never, ever hope to find ourselves in another person. So why am I so lonely? Why do I pine for a deep loving touch and yearn even more for steady companionship? Why can’t I be good enough on my own? I suppose we were designed for companionship – I need it, or I’ll go insane, which in some people’s cases wouldn’t be so bad. Some could be happy living in their own world. But I would go insane from loneliness, and would reach out in ways others wouldn’t understand and end up pushing them away and exacerbating my case, so I’ve got to keep people around me. As much as I hate to feel needy. God... I miss honest companionship in my bones. That’s why I’m so excited (and so nervous that it won’t work out) to live the RP – we could be friends. HA! God, what a fabulous aspect of living! We could invest as much or as little as we want in each other. I’m willing to invest much, cause I trust and admire the guy a great deal. I want to be a steady lover of certain persons, receiving love and challenges in return. I do want challenges, and living with this man would be a challenge. Not because he’d be difficult by any means, but because he’s so complex and wonderful, it would be a delight to live with another complex, thinking, compassionate human being and undergo the rocky path of relationship and living in this world with the touch point of another human. I feel a glow coming on just thinking about it, although I know we’re both anxious about it not working out. This could be really good. And it doesn’t mean I’d be stuck there forever – far from it. He’d need to move on in time as well. And maybe by that time I’d have enough money to go to Africa, or to get a van and travel to Ohio. (And Idaho, and Texas, and Colorado, and Chicago, and wherever else I fancy going.) No, this is good. I have been worried that moving in to an apartment would start a pattern of middle class living I’m not willing to enter just yet – work, make the rent, begin to be weighed down by responsibilities. But no – he will have to move on too. If any new romantic relationship comes up in my future, I'll just have not let that get in the way of me living my life the way I desire… travel, giving, art. And if I get involved in a theatre company – well, we’ll just have to start by making contacts and see where it goes, and if I want to leave, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Nothing is impossible for the determined spirit. Not time, not money, not circumstance, not love, not fear, not death, not foolishness can hinder me. I will go where I must. The question is how to best get there. Wherever There may be. I’ve gotta start taking better care of myself – and I will. I must be ready at any moment to drop everything and head off into the sunrise of the next part of my adventure. That’s why living in a van would be so great. But – while that may help me focus even more on where I need to be next, it would not be a happy existence in the present. It would be a hard one – hard bed, hard days. Free, but sad. If I can pour my heart into where i am now and possibly spend more time here than I thought I would just getting things together, it would be worth it to know I had put something into this world I’m living in now instead of having just focused on making the future easier – which is what I hate about this work-obsessed culture anyway, so living in a van for future ease would in a way be embracing what I’m trying to escape – looks like I’ll have to work through the system in order to remain free enough to get out when I need to.

I’m worried about the housecleaning jobs – how will I handle those when I’m living in Portland? Will I pour all that money into getting a car? Will I take the Max down to Hillsboro all the time? First I must find a home. That is of priority now, for Ryan and me. He obviously needs to get out of his house as much if not more than me. If you read this, no pressure Ryan, lol. Just be you :) I like you that way. Things'll work out.