Figured out my problem (well, one of them) – I don’t know what I want. What I want right now is to be consistently near a place of peace and chaos – the world we were born into. I want to be surrounded or close to a beach, or a large lake – I HATE this closed in world of houses and television and people going about their business without a thought for others or what they truly want. If we go after what would be best for our own souls it gives others permission to do the same. I just don’t know how the fuck to get there, cause I don’t know where I’m going. I am unwilling to compromise. But compromise what? So everything feels like not quite the right decision – everything leaves something greatly to be desired. When will I settle down in my pursuit of fulfillment and affecting the world around me? And will I be satisfied even then? Am I doomed to be forever unsatisfied, to always feel like a portion of a person, blocked by walls I set up for my own survival?

Right now the thing that seems closest to my desires is going to Africa to work against AIDS and health issues, etc. But I can’t live over there. Well, I could… I’d have to try it out first, see if that’s what I really want. If it is, if I could find a community over there, I wonder if I could give up seeing my family and dear dear friends. I wonder if I could find anything like that here. I suppose when it comes down to it, whatever happens when I get back, I’ve got to go. I’ve got to know if this desire to be effective over there is just a fantasy bubble that’ll be popped, or really what I believe it could be. I am afraid of both answers. Both of them leave me with great sacrifices to make. Nevertheless, I will be forever crippled in my eyes if I allow that fear to stop me from trying, so I’ll work towards that. Money. I’ll earn it in the meantime with that horribly frightening goal in mind. Will I ever be soaking up life the way I want to? No one may ever be truly happy, but some people seem to appreciate life the way I want to – I’ve gotta find it.