"- don't be so quick to knock it. People don't usually part with the weird shit they personally know because they know how easy it will be to punch holes in. Now I'm tellin you somethin. It's for you to poke through the soup and find the meat." John Patrick Shanley's 'the dreamer examines his pillow'

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Figured out my problem (well, one of them) – I don’t know what I want. What I want right now is to be consistently near a place of peace and chaos – the world we were born into. I want to be surrounded or close to a beach, or a large lake – I HATE this closed in world of houses and television and people going about their business without a thought for others or what they truly want. If we go after what would be best for our own souls it gives others permission to do the same. I just don’t know how the fuck to get there, cause I don’t know where I’m going. I am unwilling to compromise. But compromise what? So everything feels like not quite the right decision – everything leaves something greatly to be desired. When will I settle down in my pursuit of fulfillment and affecting the world around me? And will I be satisfied even then? Am I doomed to be forever unsatisfied, to always feel like a portion of a person, blocked by walls I set up for my own survival?

Right now the thing that seems closest to my desires is going to Africa to work against AIDS and health issues, etc. But I can’t live over there. Well, I could… I’d have to try it out first, see if that’s what I really want. If it is, if I could find a community over there, I wonder if I could give up seeing my family and dear dear friends. I wonder if I could find anything like that here. I suppose when it comes down to it, whatever happens when I get back, I’ve got to go. I’ve got to know if this desire to be effective over there is just a fantasy bubble that’ll be popped, or really what I believe it could be. I am afraid of both answers. Both of them leave me with great sacrifices to make. Nevertheless, I will be forever crippled in my eyes if I allow that fear to stop me from trying, so I’ll work towards that. Money. I’ll earn it in the meantime with that horribly frightening goal in mind. Will I ever be soaking up life the way I want to? No one may ever be truly happy, but some people seem to appreciate life the way I want to – I’ve gotta find it.


Blogger kirsten said...

I know you probably don't want any advice because, in the end, you are the one who has to make the decision: But, I'm going to say something anyway. I think you should go to Africa. It would only be for a year, right? To me, life is about experimenting and new experiences. I know I'm only 18, but whatever... Anyway, Africa has been nagging at you for a while now, I think you should give in to it. If it doesn't work out, you will have faced a new experience and gotten rid of those nagging thoughts. You will have sacrificed 1 year out of the 70-90 we have, which doesn't seem like much, but in comparison it is. So ultimately, you will gain new perspective, help and meet new friends and people people, probably get some fulfillment, and then come back and get to spend the rest of your life with people you already know and love. People spend so much time trying to find purpose and truth in their life. Maybe this could be it. If not, you'll have spent a good year experimenting and you'll have many more years after to explore. Think about it some more. I love you, girl! We need to hang out again, NOT at BJ's... hee hee

12:35 AM

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4:49 AM


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