"- don't be so quick to knock it. People don't usually part with the weird shit they personally know because they know how easy it will be to punch holes in. Now I'm tellin you somethin. It's for you to poke through the soup and find the meat." John Patrick Shanley's 'the dreamer examines his pillow'

Friday, September 22, 2006

6:08 pm dark room, lenny sleeping behind me, swollen figure from achingly womanly process, blue jeans declaring the shape of my legs

I haven’t written in forever, so here I am, to reflect now.

Every time I’ve sat down to write, I haven’t known what to say. Why do I write...

To sort out my thoughts,

to give something to you,

so that I feel like my life matters enough to put down in words that last longer than a second

So many thoughts are going through my head… all thought, all emotion, I whip self from one extreme to the other (and more often somewhere in between)

There’s this desire in me when I write to make everything beautiful – I want to express the beauty in me, it’s not that I want to make the world ‘seem more beautiful’ – it is this beautiful. Beautiful starts to look funny after too many repetitions on the screen. In life though… give me every piece of Beauty you have to offer, give me warm skin, the flecks in your eyes, shared laughter, old friend reunions, concrete on bare feet. Jennifer Rasmussen. Beautiful.

It feels like I’ve been surfing for a few weeks – trying to keep my balance on a smooth, treacherous, familiar and unknowable surface, leaning way back and sometimes fore, focused intently on the rushing water right in front of me, somehow knowing I won’t fall off…

My joy has tipped to the bright side, just enough to make me love life when it gets down to it. Thank you, Lenny for prompting me to think about it.

Ok, ok. Enough with the metaphors. Something concrete would be nice, no? I’ll be here at Otterbein until a bit after Thanksgiving, and then I’ll be coming back to Oregon to stay (for a while.) I’m done here.

I’ll never be done acting, god forbid.

But I needed something else – don’t want to base my life on what I’ve taken from what they have to offer here. Vague, I know. I’m not leaving because I hate it here. I merely suspect that I could be happier and physically and mentally more stable somewhere else. The Peace Corps is on my mind, and time with friends who challenge me and remind me why it’s good to be alive. I may finish college someday, maybe next year, maybe not at all. I’m going to spend some time at my parents’ house, taking long walks and exploring Oregon as a natural Candyland. Hell yeah! And lots of thinking, as always. That house is not home, however, so I won’t stay long. From there… we’ll see.

There are so many ideas of this place in my head, some of which are not at all pleasant, some that I’ll think of with joy for a long time, all of which are now a part of me. For that reason I’ll truly cherish all of them.

I carry all of this with me into every moment, modifying lessons and redefining memories and gaining both, all for the sake of experiencing each minute in a way that only I can… I’m grateful.


Blogger Charlotte said...

Thank you So much for posting.
It honestly means a lot to me to know what's going on in your life. The more I find out, the more I wish to know. I also think it's awesome that you're thinking about the Peace Corps.
When you're back in Oregon, could we get together sometime?

11:49 PM

Blogger Amber G. said...

you rock!

11:46 AM

Blogger Nathan said...

fuck nice

12:52 AM


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