2:08 am a very fundamental, immature, overdue, honest realization being made for the millionth time.

thank god a part of us stays 'immature' on the inside our whole lives. how boring would it be if we moved past jealousy, insecurity, self-pity, neediness, refusal to understand, making fun of each other, bad jokes, and making the same mistakes over and over and over and over...

Fulfillment…
Me doing what I want to do.
Going to a tai chi class today, because I wanted to. Not because I should or because a friend was going or because it’s cool or expected or even encouraged, or because I was bored or lonely. Me allowing the universe to take my life in a different direction, because I want to.
Emptiness…
Me doing what I think I want to do…
Emptiness…
Me doing what others say is supposed to be what I get my fulfillment from
Emptiness…
Having to hide myself behind an ‘I don’t need you but I’m having a blast’ role in order to feel (not be, but feel) a part of the group. The group being me and two other people.
No, I don’t need them, but god, I’d like them to be a part of my life… I’d like to share a few moments of honesty with you. I’d like to be able to have a conversation without you switching into that (hilarious, yes) accent you put on to make us laugh. What if I don’t want to laugh at what you want to laugh at? I don’t laugh. You think I don’t know how to have a good time. You start leaving me out of the group because you don’t understand me. I feel this. I start to feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me. You spiral up in your self-deception about how much fun you’re having, I spiral down in my self-deception about my worth and what I’m ‘supposed’ to feel.
Or I spiral up too but away from you, in self-deception about how I just function on a deeper level than you, which is why we can’t relate.

This is why, at this point in our lives, I choose to not hang out with you. I’ll respect you as a person, but we want far different things from life – from merely hanging out – so that even when I’m next to you we’re not together. So what’s the point? I still love you. Always will.
I’m going to go this way now, because I want to and I can. You go whichever way you choose. I hope we meet up again someday.

I chose to post this strikingly jr. high-ish post because I am amazed at how much we let fear control our lives. If I was truly honest with myself, I would not fear. If I was honest about my worth and the worth of others, about what I want out of life, about what I have to offer others and how much they are willing to receive and vice versa, etc. etc… I wouldn’t be spending as much time with many of my friends as I do right now. All I get and give is emptiness, because we don’t want to receive what the other has to offer. A few weeks, years of loneliness is not a bad thing. Lonely is a state of being, not a hole to be filled. Everyone is lonely.
Which doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
But to be lonely and pursue the things I want to pursue, to be a truth-seeker and discover more of myself and the world… sounds like something I’d prefer over having a thousand (or even three) friends who don’t really know who I am simply because I don’t have a clue who I am…

As I have grown I’ve found friends through the years, (a very few but whose presences were overwhelmingly felt and life-changing) who were willing to embrace me at the point I was at, and loved me enough to challenge me right there. Viva la conflict!! So I have no doubt that even as I maintain such relationships over the phone and will never forget or fully understand one of them, yet another will come at a time when… well, at some time.