"- don't be so quick to knock it. People don't usually part with the weird shit they personally know because they know how easy it will be to punch holes in. Now I'm tellin you somethin. It's for you to poke through the soup and find the meat." John Patrick Shanley's 'the dreamer examines his pillow'

Monday, June 26, 2006

2:08 am a very fundamental, immature, overdue, honest realization being made for the millionth time.

thank god a part of us stays 'immature' on the inside our whole lives. how boring would it be if we moved past jealousy, insecurity, self-pity, neediness, refusal to understand, making fun of each other, bad jokes, and making the same mistakes over and over and over and over...

Me doing what I want to do.
Going to a tai chi class today, because I wanted to. Not because I should or because a friend was going or because it’s cool or expected or even encouraged, or because I was bored or lonely. Me allowing the universe to take my life in a different direction, because I want to.
Me doing what I think I want to do…
Me doing what others say is supposed to be what I get my fulfillment from
Having to hide myself behind an ‘I don’t need you but I’m having a blast’ role in order to feel (not be, but feel) a part of the group. The group being me and two other people.
No, I don’t need them, but god, I’d like them to be a part of my life… I’d like to share a few moments of honesty with you. I’d like to be able to have a conversation without you switching into that (hilarious, yes) accent you put on to make us laugh. What if I don’t want to laugh at what you want to laugh at? I don’t laugh. You think I don’t know how to have a good time. You start leaving me out of the group because you don’t understand me. I feel this. I start to feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me. You spiral up in your self-deception about how much fun you’re having, I spiral down in my self-deception about my worth and what I’m ‘supposed’ to feel.
Or I spiral up too but away from you, in self-deception about how I just function on a deeper level than you, which is why we can’t relate.

This is why, at this point in our lives, I choose to not hang out with you. I’ll respect you as a person, but we want far different things from life – from merely hanging out – so that even when I’m next to you we’re not together. So what’s the point? I still love you. Always will.
I’m going to go this way now, because I want to and I can. You go whichever way you choose. I hope we meet up again someday.

I chose to post this strikingly jr. high-ish post because I am amazed at how much we let fear control our lives. If I was truly honest with myself, I would not fear. If I was honest about my worth and the worth of others, about what I want out of life, about what I have to offer others and how much they are willing to receive and vice versa, etc. etc… I wouldn’t be spending as much time with many of my friends as I do right now. All I get and give is emptiness, because we don’t want to receive what the other has to offer. A few weeks, years of loneliness is not a bad thing. Lonely is a state of being, not a hole to be filled. Everyone is lonely.
Which doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
But to be lonely and pursue the things I want to pursue, to be a truth-seeker and discover more of myself and the world… sounds like something I’d prefer over having a thousand (or even three) friends who don’t really know who I am simply because I don’t have a clue who I am…

As I have grown I’ve found friends through the years, (a very few but whose presences were overwhelmingly felt and life-changing) who were willing to embrace me at the point I was at, and loved me enough to challenge me right there. Viva la conflict!! So I have no doubt that even as I maintain such relationships over the phone and will never forget or fully understand one of them, yet another will come at a time when… well, at some time.


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