"- don't be so quick to knock it. People don't usually part with the weird shit they personally know because they know how easy it will be to punch holes in. Now I'm tellin you somethin. It's for you to poke through the soup and find the meat." John Patrick Shanley's 'the dreamer examines his pillow'

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I have come to the realization that what I am doing in my life is a sort of dabbling about to find what makes me happy. I am not altering a set course, nor am I starting on a new course, I am flailing, dabbling, testing. What is life but a searching? None of my actions or decisions or even the people in my life will ‘make me happy,’ of this I am quite aware. The only peace to find is in the way I interact with the world. I am here, and the world is what it is. My only choices are how I respond to all that’s around me. I can operate from fear, from despair, from deep hunger, and consume and consume in an effort to fill self. I will certainly do that. But I can also choose to operate from a centeredness, a knowledge that I can not change the world, but I can allow goodness to be a part of who I am, as well as all the things we call ‘bad’, making peace with the boredom, the confusion, the fear by allowing them to be a part of who I am without fighting them futilely or allowing those feelings to control my actions. And whatever actions I do take, whether they matter in the grand scheme of things or not, I can know that I took them in confidence and chose my best course in the moment, not being blinded by self-doubt or despair. I am me. All of me is all of me, the world is what it is, I can not go out and force it to be better; I can use what I have to be a better part of the world, however that affects my actions.


Blogger Elysia said...

Take joy in your freedom that allows you to hold on to the different pieces of yourself. To not have to cut them away because it doesn't fit the path is a gift indeed.

10:08 PM

Blogger Kara said...

thank you very much for the email elizabeth. I know it was a mass mail type of bit, but i really love to know whats going on in your life. You have my full support in whatever endevour you guess will make you happy. Because even if it fails to fulfill you, you'll learn something completely unique that will make tomorrow that much closer to personal enlightenment (or something of the sort). So good luck, fight the good fight of adolescent freedom, and call me sometime if you get bored. Later

12:10 AM

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