A Tired and Jumbled Mess

It's 4:00 in the morning, I have to get up at 8:15, and I have a performance tomorrow night. naturally I decide to update my blog.
What do I want to write about? It's all too personal. I want to write about how I'm worried about Jennifer. About how I gave God an ultimatum today, and about Spencer Gotter. Luke's laugh and his sadness. My work! I'm proud of my work. I'm growing. I want to write about the Merchant of Venice and about boys and why are they so flirtatious and driven by sex? My goodness. And the bags under my eyes and the starving children in Africa. And my superhuman roommates. And my doubt. And Molly, and oh dear. How I love taking walks.

Things I would be happy doing when I die:
1. Breathing in the ocean air and being enveloped by the vastness of it all
2. Walking along the side of a silent, secluded, green pond
3. Doing the downward dog in yoga
4. Smelling fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies
5. In the middle of a leap of pure elation
6. Embracing a dear friend
7. Feeding a hungry person
8. Sharing breath with one I love

I wish I could tell you more about my life in general, but I have no energy.
In the words of my current monologue,
"Sometimes all I want it to be looked at, admired, soothed, and caressed. I still want the power. I still want to make money and go mountaineering. But the thing I want most right now, God, Santa, Gloria Steinem - is some person to love me and sleep in my bed."
So that pretty much sums it up - I am in a pretty good place right now, sans the private daily struggles we all see different angles and degrees of. Keeping it real.