"- don't be so quick to knock it. People don't usually part with the weird shit they personally know because they know how easy it will be to punch holes in. Now I'm tellin you somethin. It's for you to poke through the soup and find the meat." John Patrick Shanley's 'the dreamer examines his pillow'

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

well, here i am

here i am, sitting here, alive and trying. Have you ever noticed how so many of our many moments in the day are spent trying? Why can't we just relax and let life happen? i think some of us can. my brother seems to be one of those people. although he's maturing and starting to care about things, which frightens me. Anyway, the ranks of stressed out, over worked, habitually over-thinking adults will welcome him with open arms, i'm sure, just as they are me. man that sounds depressing. we'll always have a kid in us too..
today i lay on the warm sidewalk and soaked in a glorious humid thunderstorm of a wednesday afternoon, eating the raindrops and feeling thunder in my gut. the younger i was, the more i wanted to do adult things. the older i get, the more i yearn to find kid places in my heart.
and the more i do stupid things and realize they're stupid, which is the stupid part.
i realized this afternoon in my balmy upstairs sub-let room that i have too often associated God with guilt, which is why i am sometimes stupidly unhappy. i want always to do the right thing, when perhaps i should just do a thing and let it be. and stop freakin thinking about it. Because He does - the Word says He forgets our sins, so why can't I? And I just need to loosen up. Everyone does. what a socially conscious world. i sometimes find myself thinking Should i do this? if i do this, how will it affect our friendship? and i see it their eyes too. at least with this group of friends. and then i wonder Did i do/am i doing the wrong thing right now? but who's to say what's right and wrong? God, right? and He says what's right is to have peace. so we should just chill. that's one of the reasons i liked luke so much. he didn't think about whether it was the right thing to do, he just knew he wanted to and so he did it, and i was usually - ok, always - dragged along. good times, but i often let the guilt of staying up too late etc. etc. weigh on me throughout the next day or in our relationship. In the wise words of sheryl crow, If it makes you happy, why the hell are you so sad?


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