the dark

i don't want to think tonight. headphones. drown it all out. effective. temporary. will i be able to sleep tonight? stairway to heaven is beautiful.
emotions go crazy - how far should i let them take me? will i allow them to rule my living, or just affect it?? that's important to discover. emotions vs. will. will i be able to separate what I want from what I need? will i be able to stifle this storm inside and move along? or will i allow it to carry me outside the place of recognition in my own heart and others' minds?
of course i know i'll wake up tomorrow morning with that vaguely empty feeling again. and i'll eat my bread and feel unsatisfied and walk to class and appreciate the leaves and remember how good life might be. step into class and forget. and the storm will be generally at rest, until night, and then who knows what might happen. night is a mystical, shadowed area i've never been able to tackle in myself. night, and me in it, extends far beyond my understanding. I don't know if it's as simple as the fact that animal instincts come out at night, our defenses are down and what matters at that moment is truly what matters in your mind and body, but i have to think it's something else too. we truly do transform at night. i remember when i was dating luke we would hang out all night. fun, real, vulnerable, often shitty. excuse my language. the next morning he'd pick me up for class, and i was a different person entirely. very... cool. the temperature, not the social description. calm and controlled. but just as much real and me as eight hours ago. i remember he'd always ask me what was wrong. my changes drove him crazy, but at night i need things i can stifle with a shake of my head during the day. a mystery.